A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. – Groucho Marx
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. – Steven Wright
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. – Emo Philips
A day without laughter is a day wasted. – Charlie Chaplin
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
A pair of powerful spectacles has sometimes sufficed to cure a person in love. – Friedrich Nietzsche
A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. – Dennis Miller
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. – W. C. Fields
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas. – Claude Pepper
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner
A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t. – Erica Jong
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. – Mark Twain
Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese. – Luis Bunuel
All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back. – Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much. – Oscar Wilde
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. – Yogi Berra
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate. – Woody Allen
Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. – Norman Wisdom
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. – Mark Twain
Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for. – Will Rogers
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. – Groucho Marx
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. – Phyllis Diller
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. – Charles Wadsworth
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. – Robert Frost
Can I come in? No! I’m in a towel! I’m blind! – James Patterson
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – George Bernard Shaw
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs. – Martha Scott
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
Electricity is really just organized lightning. – George Carlin
Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else. – Will Rogers
Folks, I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us. – Stephen Colbert
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. – John F. Kennedy
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain
God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him. – Tara Reid
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? – George Carlin
He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. – Victor Borge
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. – Charles Lamb
I am blessed with a funny gene that makes me enjoy life. – Karan Patel
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying. – Oscar Wilde
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me, I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
I can resist everything except temptation. – Oscar Wilde
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Steven Wright
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. – Mitch Hedberg
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time. – Charles M. Schulz
I have an unfortunate personality. – Orson Welles
I have had great success being a total idiot. – Jerry Lewis
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. – Rodney Dangerfield
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. – Walt Disney
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection. – Drake
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. – Steven Wright
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? – George Carlin
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. – Abraham Lincoln
If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days. – Robin Williams
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance. – George Bernard Shaw
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month. – Theodore Roosevelt
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. – Groucho Marx
If you meet my expectations, please ask them to come home. – John Alejandro King
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. – Earl Wilson
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. – Dalai Lama
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? – George Carlin
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. –Henny Youngman
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair. – Sam Ewing
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell
It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours. – Harry S. Truman
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. – Anthony Burgess
Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. – Cullen Hightower
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. – Jules Renard
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. – Katharine Hepburn
Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid. – John Wayne
Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. – Lou Erickso
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep. – Carl Sandburg
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. – Isaac Asimov
Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. – Alan Dundes
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house? – George Carlin
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
Mind is never a problem. Mindset is. – Narendra Modi
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money. – Jackie Mason
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more. – Walter Matthau
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. – Milton Berle
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. – Rodney Dangerfield
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. – Mark Twain
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. – Erma Bombeck
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well. – Mark Twain
Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright. – Laurell K. Hamilton
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. – Abraham Lincoln
One of the funny things about the stock market is that every time one person buys, another sells, and both think they are astute. – William Feather
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. – Albert Einstein
Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor. – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily. – Zig Ziglar
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading. – Logan Pearsall Smith
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. – Mark Twain
Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures. – Robin Williams
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts. – E. B. White
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. – Dale Carnegie
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life. – Brooke Shields
Sometimes I’m really funny, sometimes I’m quiet, sometimes I’m shy, but I’m constantly changing. – Elle King
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Matt Groening
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. – Criss Jami
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. – Edward Abbey
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. – Steven Wright
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. – Robert Bloch
The man, who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him. – Oscar Wilde
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory. – Paul Fix
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. – Mark Twain
The road to success is always under construction. – Lily Tomlin
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat. – Lily Tomlin
There are only three things women needs in life: food, water, and compliments. – Chris Rock
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. – Henry Kissinger
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. – Oscar Levant
They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. – Clint Eastwood
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. – Steven Wright
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone. – Reba McEntire
Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like. – Will Smith
Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark. – O. Henry
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know. – W. H. Auden
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin
What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise. – Jerome K. Jerome
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry
When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. – Norm Crosby
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop. – Gertrude Stein
Why do they call it “rush hour” when nothing moves? – Robin Williams
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money? – John Barrymore
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. – James Thurber
Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. – Mark Twain
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it? – Steven Wright
You got to be careful: don’t say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever. – Johnny Depp
You have enemies? Good. That means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life. – Winston Churchill
You’re only as good as your last haircut. – Fran Lebowitz
